I Have Created A Prison For Myself With My Fears


Idris: Are all people like this?
The Doctor: Like what?
Idris: So much bigger on the inside. I’m— Oh, what is that word? It’s so big. And so complicated. And so sad.  

– Doctor Who, Series 6, The Doctor’s Wife.

I live a small life. I have a big personality – I am huge on the inside – I have so many hopes and desires and I have so much to say. I am bursting with life – I light up a room when I walk in.

My energy, my aura is huge – it can fill up a football field.

But I play small at life. I live a small life.

I hold myself back from being big – from upsetting people around me, from rocking the boat, from making people around me feel stupid or small.

I play small so others can feel big.

I play stupid so others can feel smart.

I play dim so others can feel bright.

I play timid so others can feel brave.

I play dumb so others can feel eloquent.

I have created a prison for myself using my fears, my resistance, my doubts. I am living in this 100 square foot prison and every day, my big personality wants to fly away from this prison – my true self wants to be bigger than this small space.

My true self wants to dance in the clouds, rock the world, and build an empire.

My true self wants to take over the world.

My true self is intense – she can burn you with her intensity!

My true self wants to scream and shout and announce to the world, Shikha is here, look out world!

I’m in a prison. I don’t live intensely.

I play small. I work in a 9-5 small job, playing a small, obscure role. I stay quiet. I keep myself small physically, even though I want to get up and shake up everyone in the room with my words, my personality, my verve, my panache, my courage.

I have created this prison for myself for way too long.

I’m ready to break free. I am done with being in such a small space.

I can’t breathe. It’s suffocating in here.

I want to be more. I want to be bigger, but this space isn’t allowing me to be bigger.

I feel stifled. I feel bored. I am not meant to be small.

I am so big on the inside, why am I allowing this smallness to continue!

It’s time to break free. It’s time to let go of these shackles. These shackles made of fear, resistance, doubt. These shackles in my mind – they have to be broken. I have to let loose.

I’m so much better than what I have made myself out to be. Why am I playing small? Why am I playing so small? When the world is literally my oyster, why am I living such a small life?

I’m afraid. Fear and I are close friends. Doubt and I play charades every night. Resistance and I go out to dinner every Sunday night. I know what is holding me back.

I know why I am unable to move forward – move on, move up.

I’m afraid. I know that.

I’m better than this. I have felt fear before. I know it’s going to stay with me as my shadow no matter where I go, no matter what I do, no matter who I become.

Why am I letting this fear paralyze me? Why am I playing so small?

I’m so big on the inside. 

It’s time to let go. Time to break free.

It’s time to show the world who I truly am.

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