A generous heart is always open, always ready to receive our going and coming. In the midst of such love we need never fear abandonment. This is the most precious gift true love offers – the experience of knowing we always belong. ― Bell Hooks,
Recently, I started re-reading my favourite book (and the most comprehensive) on chakras, Eastern Body, Western Mind by Judith Anodea. An absolutely amazing book and a must-read for any person interested in learning more about themselves.
One of my major learnings from this book is my readiness to abandon myself in the face of opposition, despair, sadness, or whatever emotion crops up.
Whenever I feel sad, or I feel rejected, or I feel anxious, I forget that I am a human with a body that has physical needs. I start spending all of my time in my head where it’s safer. I forget to eat, sleep, wash myself, do yoga, or anything else that I need to feel sane in an insane world.
I have to force myself to take care of myself
- I force myself to have a proper meal so that I can gain the grounding that comes from a hot, steaming, nutritious meal.
- I force myself to sit down and meditate with my feet on the ground, so I can stop the anxious buzzing of my mind and come back to my body.
- I force myself to take a long, hot, luxurious shower, to show myself that I matter, and that I deserve to be loved, even if only by the universe.
- I force myself to pamper myself with something special, like a bag of chips that I abstain from, a book that I have been dying to buy, a luxurious cream that smells like a field of flowers, or whatever else it might be.
- I force myself to schedule a massage, or take a long bath with bubbles and salts.
After all of this, I am able to come back into my body and move away from the deep recesses of my mind where I hid.
Coming back into my body is kind of a relief but also full of fear.
If I am in my body, I cannot hide.
I am present completely in this world.
I’m alive, and well, and HERE.
I am here and anything that happens to me is felt by me completely in every essence of me.
- I cannot pretend that I don’t feel,
- I cannot pretend that I am a robot,
- I cannot pretend to be un-human in any way.
Standing True To ME
In this state, I have to protect myself but not by running away into my mind, but by standing true to who I am and who I want to be. By standing true and by remembering that I am who I am, and I love myself for being who I am.
The only person’s whose opinion matters is myself.
If everyone else on this planet is against me, at least I am for myself. If everyone else on this planet abandons me, at least I haven’t abandoned myself. I need to stay true for myself and that is what I keep remembering.
It is a long and complicated process and it has taken me 32 years to get to a point where I realize that I readily abandon myself and to stop doing that. I am a lovely human and I deserve love from myself – the most important love there is – Self-love, which is missing from so many lives.
Learning to love myself has been the longest journey I have taken.
It is a journey that will never end.
I’ll always be learning to love myself in the face of daily opposition. Everyday we are given reasons not to love ourselves – we are too imperfect in so many different ways.
How can we love a thing that is so imperfect? We just do.
I don’t need to get to a certain point in order to love myself. I can love myself as I am here. In all of my imperfections, I am perfect. And I am loved. By the universe. And by myself. That’s all that really matters.
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