I Want Healing, But I Don’t Want The Pain

Healing

Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it. – Tori Amos

Recently, a person joined my company who’s done Ayahuasca ceremonies.

The universe sends you what you need when you need it. Even if you didn’t know you needed it.

I have been meditating and doing yoga, but I feel like I want to go deeper into the experience.

I started chatting with this person, and he is more than happy to take me with him next time he goes.

I started chatting with other people who had done the healing ceremonies, and started reading up online to see what it’s all about. A lot of what came up was about the pain that is usually revealed in these ceremonies.

People start bawling their face off, and freaking out. Emotions and other unwieldy things come up as they go deeper into the experience.

When people warned me about the pain that usually comes up with these ceremonies, I was a bit surprised.

Of course, healing is painful. That is why it’s called healing.

You are basically ripping yourself inside out, going deep, revealing monsters, and then coming back whole. If that process isn’t going to be painful, then I don’t know what will.

I have had these similar conversations with other friends of mine.

As one friend put it, she wants to have someone go in, heal her, and come out complete and whole.

She doesn’t want all of this stuff coming up, and she definitely doesn’t want to deal with the crap that she has stored inside her for years.

Unfortunately, if you want to move beyond the rudimentary life that we are all living. If you want to move upward and beyond, you are going to have to deal with the demons that are inside of all of us.

My demons come up for me in my dreams.

I have the same dream over and over again.

I am going down into a basement with a long passage, and I am scared. I know I am going to deal with or see something that I am not going to like – something slimy, gross, disgusting, black.

These are the parts of me that I dislike. The parts of me that I hide in the basement, in my subconscious. Never to be seen again. I get to the point where I am about ready to see the slimy parts and fear takes over me. I zoom back up into the mind, and into consciousness. Usually waking up at this point.

Every night I go in thinking, I am going to confront my demons tonight.

I promise myself, tonight, I am not going to run away.

Tonight I am going to face them head-on.

Tonight I will figure out what I am so afraid of.

Tonight I will find out what parts of me I think are bad/slimy/gross.

But every time I get closer to it, I freak out. I let fear take over, and I leave.

I never expected this process to be easy or pain-free. I never expect the healing process to be a walk in the park. It is going to be painful. It took us years to get to where we are, years for us to build up our walls, our demons, our pain.

It is only logical that it will take more than a few days to undo all of that and come back to wholeness.

So next time, you start complaining about the pain that is coming up in your healing process. Stop, and thank your lucky stars, you are even feeling anything.

It means, you are healing. There are millions who are never going to go through that process.

They are too afraid maybe to even try.

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